Call For Help–Revised

After a few attempts, and the much appreciated help from Sophie, here is the revised blurb for WAITING.

Eve Smith isn’t normal.

Different coloured eyes. Visions. Hearing voices. Add a vindictive dream companion and a dark figure as a saviour and normal, becomes an untouchable ideal.

Tormented by her nightmares, Eve seeks the help of her therapist, awakening a part of her otherworldly life she had no idea existed. A forgotten destiny that connects, Bastian’s, the dark figure, with her own.

A caregiver dies. Eve survives an attack on her life, and she soon discovers the new girl at the home is the culprit.

But is the tale “The Guardians” have woven indeed real: are Eve and Bastian truly soul guides? Or does a deeper meaning lurk in the past waiting to be uncovered.

Once again, I am asking for your help and honest opinions.

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2 thoughts on “Call For Help–Revised

  1. I like the first part of the revised version better. It packs a meaner punch.

    I get a bit nitpicky when I critique, so you can take or leave what I give you. I do like the blurb, and it would interest me enough to keep reading, but here is my feedback.

    Add a vindictive dream companion and a dark figure as a saviour and normal, becomes an untouchable ideal.

    The comma is in the wrong spot. It should be after saviour, since the and after saviour is a conjunction. Plus, a comma should never separate the subject (normal) from the verb (becomes).

    Tormented by her nightmares, Eve seeks the help of her therapist, awakening a part of her otherworldly life she had no idea existed.

    It might be better changed to: Tormented by her nightmares, Eve seeks the help of her therapist and awakens… My reasoning for this suggestion is because her awakening probably happens after she seeks help, not simultaneously. Unless she awakens the moment she steps into the therapist office and not after receiving therapy, then the current phrasing would work.

    A forgotten destiny that connects, Bastian’s, the dark figure, with her own.

    This reads as a fragment (subject without a verb) that my mind can’t connect to anything. Is this supposed to be part of the otherworldly life? There are a few ways you can approach this. You can break up the previous sentence…

    Tormented by her nightmares, Eve seeks the help of her therapist. She awakens a part of her otherworldly life she had no idea existed.

    This will give the fragment a clearer association. Or you can turn the fragment into a complete sentence instead.

    A forgotten destiny emerges that connects, Bastian’s, the dark figure, with her own.

    Or you can use an em dash to set it off at the end of the previous sentence, similar to what Sophie suggested previously, but this will make the sentence pretty long.

    And since Bastian isn’t brought up again, do you really need to name him in the blurb?

    A caregiver dies. Eve survives an attack on her life, and she soon discovers the new girl at the home is the culprit.

    While this is strong, I’m not clear on the connection between these two sentences. I’m guessing it means that the caregiver is murdered and the culprit chooses Eve as her next target? Or does the caregiver pass from natural causes and later Eve is attacked? If it’s the latter, then we probably don’t need to know about the caregiver dying.

    And the home isn’t brought up before. Is Eve an orphan? A recovering addict? A juvenile delinquent?

    Or does a deeper meaning lurk in the past waiting to be uncovered.

    I think there was meant to be a comma after past, associating the “waiting to be uncovered” with “deeper meaning”. Unless it is actually the past waiting to be uncovered. Then disregard.

    Like I said before, I did enjoy the blurb and I think you’ve done a good job with it.

    • Thanks Loni,

      I’ve taken on board your suggestions and will give it another look. But the first comma was a typing error. Opps!

      The novel is told through two perspectives, Eve’s and Bastian’s. Although Eve is the primary character, I still feel Bastian needs to be mentioned. Maybe I should try a split version?

      Well, I did say blurbs weren’t my thing! But thanks for your honest critique, Loni. 🙂

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